25 Gaslighting Phrases Abusers Use!

What Is Gaslighting? Gaslighting is "a type of psychological abuse aimed at making victims seem or feel 'crazy,' creating a 'surreal' interpersonal environment," as defined by Paige L. Sweet of Harvard University in "The Sociology of Gaslighting." Gaslighting "should be understood as rooted in social inequalities, including gender, and executed in power-laden intimate relationships." https://parade.com/living/gaslighting-phrases

Although gaslighting is not a clinical term, the word refers to another person attempting to make you doubt what you believe to be true as a form of manipulation.1 For example, you confront your mother after she embarrasses you in front of your friends. Most parents will apologize and ask for forgiveness. If she doubles down and tells you that you are being too sensitive, this is likely gaslighting. Nobody wants to have their mother embarrass them and be treated this way. Whenever someone denies your feelings, thoughts, or behaviors, especially if it is part of a pattern, you are right to suspect gaslighting. these common phrases can help protect yourself from gaslighting. Remember, you are the expert on yourself. Check-in with yourself and listen to your gut. Ask yourself, what does the other person have to gain if I believe them. The following are 25 phrases abusers will use to gaslight you: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. “You’re being paranoid.” This is a favorite phrase of abusive or cheating partners. It may be combined with projection—accusing you of cheating. When combined with accusations, the likelihood of your partner manipulating you increases. Ask yourself, am I generally paranoid? What is making me think this? What does my gut say? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2. “You’re overreacting.” Does your boss take your ideas and present them as their own without giving you credit? When you try to talk to her about it, do they brush you off? This phrase is used to shut down further dialog and the other person gets off scot-free. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 3. “That never happened.” Although it can be hard for parents to hear when their child opens up about bad things that happened to them in childhood, healthy parents want to learn all they can about it and support their adult children. Wholesale denial that it even happened can indicate you are being gaslit. Remember, the goal of gaslighting is to get you to deny your own reality. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 4. “You are making that up.” Similar to “that never happened,” this statement is even more damaging. Telling you that you are making things up leads you to not only doubt your reality but it accuses you of trying to gaslight and manipulate them. Most of us take some pride in being open and honest people, and this phrase turns that upside down. 5. “You have always been crazy.” Watch out for “always.” Nobody is always one way. Ask yourself whether this person benefits from me thinking of myself that way. Do other people in my life think of me that way? It may help to think of past times you were not angry, crazy, bad with money, and so forth. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 6. “I don’t know what you want me to say.” This may be said when you are trying to get them to understand your point of view. Or, they may not like hearing calm, reasonable questions about their behavior. It is a way of prematurely shutting down the conversation. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 7. “It’s your fault.” Suppose you left some food for your partner that just needed to be heated up. They refuse to pop it in the microwave and instead blame you for their hunger. They wanted you to serve them hot food and nothing else would do. Same with anger. When you have to walk on eggshells around someone, gaslighting is likely at play. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 8. “Everyone agrees with me.” This has the added bonus of making you feel isolated. If they can convince you a reasonable person would agree with them, you will likely back down and question your own reality. If you already harbor doubts about yourself in this area, it can be hard to see the manipulation at play. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 9. “It was just a joke, can’t you take a joke?” If you get upset over an insult, you may hear that it’s “just a joke” or they were “just joking.” Of course, close friends, partners, and relatives joke around with each other. But if these often come at your expense and you can’t reply in kind without negative consequences, pay attention to this. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 10. “How dare you accuse me of doing that!” I never did that. You are the one who is hurting me. This is a tactic known as DARVO, deny, attack, reverse victim, and offender. This tactic, often used by narcissistic abusers, tends to work because normal people are horrified that they have hurt another person. It gets you to drop your valid concern and focus on earning forgiveness. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 11. “Why can’t you be more like your sibling?” This phrase may indicate a golden child/scapegoat dynamic. The golden child can do no wrong, while the scapegoat can do no right. This leaves everyone unbalanced as they compete for love and attention from the parent. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 12. “I can’t have any negative emotions around you.” When defending yourself from abuse, watch out for blanket statements like this one. Perhaps you called them out and their reaction is a torrent of abuse. When you point that out, they become hysterical or cold, claiming they can’t be their true selves around you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 13. “There is something seriously wrong with you.” If every time you talk about your feelings, you are met with a version of this statement, consider the source. If they are walking away feeling superior and you are left wondering if there is, indeed, something wrong with you, who does this benefit? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 14. “The Bible commands us to … ” Using religion to gaslight you is a special type of malice. Inserting themselves into your relationship with god to benefit them often works well for them, while leaving you shaken and guilty. This is a form of spiritual abuse, and it’s not okay under any circumstances. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 15. “You’re not perfect, either.” When you try to bring up a grievance, the conversation quickly shifts to mistakes you’ve made in the past. There is no room for the current issue you are trying to discuss. This puts you on the defense, which is the point. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 16. “Stop exaggerating.” Your concerns are not important to them, so you must be embellishing. Ask yourself, does this person usually brush off issues I bring up? Do other people in my life accuse me of exaggeration? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 17. “Don’t blame me, I never meant to hurt you.” This is frustrating to hear. Intentions aside, you were hurt, and hearing this stonewalling technique stops the conversation cold. Sometimes the silent treatment will follow. This is a time to be extra kind to yourself, as you wrap your mind around what just happened. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 18. “Let’s forgive and forget.” You’re a forgiving person, or at least you like to think so. If you have heard this in your religious tradition, you may feel bad about not letting it go. Remember, forgiveness is not reconciliation. You can forgive and still honor your boundaries. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 19. “Why are you always bringing up the past?” Likely because nothing has been resolved. If you are trying to point out a pattern of behavior, they do not want to hear it. They have no interest in being held accountable for past abuse. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 20. “This is how you treat me after everything I’ve done for you?” The ultimate guilt trip. If said by a parent, remember they are supposed to care for their children. Holding normal parenting over your head is a sure sign you are being gaslit and manipulated. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 21. “We talked about this – don’t you remember?” Perhaps your partner stayed out late without telling you ahead of time. Most people will stop for a while and comb through their memories to see if this has any merit. Healthy partners would want to apologize if true, but now you are doubting your own memory. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 22. “I think you need professional help.” Be wary when you are being told any variation of this. Like the play and movie of the same name, the gaslighter’s goal may be to break you completely. Convincing you that you are having a nervous breakdown is an effective way to do this. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 23. “You think you’re so smart.” Especially if your abuser is threatened by your intelligence, this cutting phrase is meant to knock you down a peg or two. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 24. “You have an active imagination.” This implies that you have made everything up, or at least embellished heavily. It is designed to get you to go back over the facts you are trying to assert and hopefully make you doubt yourself. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 25. “You always have to be right.” Projection at its finest. When this is projected onto you, don’t take the bait. Of course, we all like to feel that we are right, but when used as a weapon, it’s about them, not you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Responding to Gaslighting Knowing these common phrases can help protect yourself from gaslighting. Remember, you are the expert on yourself. Check in with yourself and listen to your gut. Ask yourself what the other person has to gain if you believe them. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Erin Garwood, Psy.D. “Once people know that this is happening to them, they can acknowledge that their own feelings are valid, they are not to blame, and they are not “going crazy.” It is important to know that gaslighting is a form of manipulation that can happen to anyone and the person being gaslit did nothing wrong and is not at fault. Self-compassion is crucial because the person being gaslit must now use additional energy to challenge feelings of doubt. Seeking consultation from trusted people can help to gain insight on the situation, validate the experience, and create allies to help.” – Erin Garwood, Psy.D. https://www.choosingtherapy.com/gaslighting-phrases/ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 35 Common Gaslighting Phrases in Relationships and How To Respond, According to Therapists Are you in a relationship with someone who causes you to doubt yourself? You may be feeling confused by what the person is telling you, or wondering if you are losing it. In this dynamic, your memories might seem very clear but the other person deliberately misleads you with their own story and creates insecurity, self-doubt and confusion in their partner by using certain gaslighting phrases like, "That's not what happened" or "You're overthinking it." It may not be obvious to you right away. "Gaslighting is a process," explains Sherry Gaba, LCSW, psychotherapist, life coach and author. "It happens over a long time and involves telling a partner a false version of a story, telling them they’re imagining things, or that they’re overly dramatic or emotional. This constant deceit creates doubt in your memories and experiences."This type of abuse empowers the narcissist, who Gaba characterizes as a person who feels entitled, arrogant and feels a need to exploit others. They feel superior to other people but also feel it necessary to bring others down—namely, their partner. If you are beginning to wonder if you are a victim of gaslighting, there are some common gaslighting phrases that you will want to pay attention to. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. "I did that because I was trying to help you." This is a manipulative way to make a person feel guilty for getting angry about a certain action or words. Claiming a false intention causes the abused person to begin having self-doubt and to question their own interpretation. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2. "That's not what happened." A gaslighter will change the version of a story to however they want it. Then, they will persuade you that you are the one who is wrong or has a faulty memory. It won't be true and when you recognize that, trust yourself and don't take the blame. "Challenge 'their' reality [by] journaling or reflecting back on situations and recognizing their gaslighting and manipulation for what it was and see the situation accurately," suggests Gaba. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 3. "You're crazy." A narcissist will want to make you question yourself. This could lead to low self-confidence and anxiety. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 4. "This is why you don't have friends." One of the tactics of a gaslighter is to isolate their partner or make them feel devalued. They may even go as far as to "talk to anyone and everyone about your lack of caring, empathy, understanding and commitment to the relationship while making themselves out to be the long-suffering victim of your emotional abuse," says Gaba. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 5. "This is your own fault." Gaslighters are great at twisting the blame to cause doubt and confusion. "Stop the self-blame—learning to let go of blaming yourself and recognizing the toxic behavior of the other partner is critical for recovery," advises Gaba. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 6. "That is hardly important." They will work to trivialize your concerns or suggestions which is another way to devalue a person ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 5. "This is your own fault." Gaslighters are great at twisting the blame to cause doubt and confusion. "Stop the self-blame—learning to let go of blaming yourself and recognizing the toxic behavior of the other partner is critical for recovery," advises Gaba. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 6. "That is hardly important." They will work to trivialize your concerns or suggestions which is another way to devalue a person ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 7. "That's not what I meant." If you confront your narcissistic partner about something they said that was hurtful, they will deny what was said or change the meaning. This leaves you feeling like you could be interpreting things wrong and cause more self-doubt. However, the way that you took what was said is probably true. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 8. "It's not that big of a deal." Another way to trivialize your feelings or worth is to state that the situation is not that big of a deal. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 9. "You're too sensitive." When you try to express yourself to a gaslighter, they will diminish your feelings. It's another way for them to make you feel like you have no value. In this situation, licensed psychotherapist Ginger Dean advises that a good response would be, “My feelings are valid, and to be clear, I am not asking you to validate them." She explains that "this response reasserts your right to have your own emotions without being told you’re too sensitive for feeling them. They don't get to tell you how you should feel or what emotions are appropriate or not appropriate for a given situation." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 10. "It was just a joke!" Calling something a joke is a great way to passively put another person down. In the case of gaslighting, it is even something more. It calls into question your ability to discern truth from fiction. 11. "You're overthinking it." This gaslighting phrase is a way to belittle what you have to say. Basically, they want you to think that you are assuming too much and the facts aren't true. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 12. "You're being paranoid." Instead of a gaslighter owning up to something they are suspected of doing, they will try and make you think that you are just being paranoid. Do some self-reflecting and ask yourself if you've been accused by anyone else of being paranoid. Also, think about what is making you suspect your partner of doing something wrong. What kind of evidence is there? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 13. "You're making that up." Basically, you are being accused of lying. This will cause major frustration and will just feed the narcissist when you try to argue or explain. Any of your words will be used against you and could even cause shame. Dean suggests responding with: "Whether or not you believe me doesn't change the truth of what happened. I know what I experienced/saw/heard and my memory is accurate."Dean goes on to say, "This response puts the focus back on reality rather than allowing it to devolve into an argument about who is right or wrong about something that has already happened in the past. It reinforces your right to trust yourself and your recollections—even if they differ from the other person's version of events. It also acknowledges that everyone has different memories and experiences, without invalidating either person's perspective on what happened or didn't happen". ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 14. "You're overreacting." Like being accused of overthinking, your reactions will also be called into question. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 15. "I don't know what you want me to say." This is a way for your https://parade.com/living/gaslighting-phrasespartner to make you feel like you won't accept anything they say, so it's your problem. Read More At https://parade.com/living/gaslighting-phrases